On-line gone out-of-line

I was in the midst of the driest of dating dry spells, when my best friend said, "you know Jackie, I did meet me husband online..." I adore her husband Dave, and I stand firm that there is no one on this earth who could match her more perfectly. Thus, began my journey into the world of online dating.

I created my profile and within minutes I received several emails from a wide array of men. However, because I was still a bit skeptical of giving out too much information and money, I never fully joined, and was limited. I couldn't email them back through the site, so unless they craftily included an alternate email address in their note, it had to end there.

Well, one day I got a great note from a very handsome man, originally from Greece but living in the city, and he wanted to meet for a drink. He also gave me his yahoo address. Smart man, I thought and I wrote him back accepting his invitation. Through emails we had planned to meet at the ever fashionable Butter at 6:30pm one Thursday evening. I was very excited because he seemed so perfect!

Flash forward to that magical Thursday evening; I'd just spent an eternity getting ready. I'd gotten the perfect outfit, I'd blown out my hair, I'd done a flawless make up application, and I was feeling great! As I was about to head out the door I got a phone call and it was him.

(In a lovely Greek accent)

Him: "Hello, I regret to inform you that I will be running a half hour late tonight because I have yet to shower".

Me: "Oh, okay... I guess I could delay if that will help you."

Him: "Good, and before I go I must ask you, you listed your body type on your profile as average, what do you mean by that?"

Me: "Um, well, there weren't many options and I'm not a stick figure and I'm not heavy, I'm just normal. Why?"

Him: "Well, it's just that I went out with a girl who listed her body type as average but she was obese! See you in a half an hour."


He hung up the phone before I could even process what he had just said, and as I sat there for an half an hour, I started to realize that this was probably a bust. What kind of a weirdo would ask that? I considered backing out but dammit, I put a ton of effort in to looking nice and I wanted to go out.

When I got to the Restaurant I was greeted with a quick kiss, kiss and was overwhelmed with terribly strong and sickeningly sweet cologne. I do have to say, he was very good looking and that's probably the only reason I decided to stay. I needed to find out a little more before I totally wrote him off.

He asked me if I'd like a drink and escorted me to the bar but, as soon as the bartender was ready to hand us the bill I turned to him and he had disappeared! He had slunk back to the wall behind us to be out of the line of fire. The thing is, I never expected him to pay, in fact I always offer, it's just not my way to expect the man to pay for everything. I couldn't believe it; it was so perfectly clear that he didn't want to pay for me but then motioned for me to sit with him at a table near by. Deflated, I joined him.

There was very little talking, in fact it was almost painful to try. As I sat there I thought about our conversation before I left and decided what the hell,


Me: "So, what's your hang up with obese people?"

Him: "It is very simple, the obese woman is hard for the love making!"

(Did he really just say that out loud!?! Was he pre approving me for the love making!?!)

Me: "Well, would you even be friends with an obese woman?"

Him: "No, because when she stretches her arms, she hits you with her arm fat!"

(Um, Check Please!!! Oh, wait I already took care of that!)

Me: "You know, I've got to be up early, as I am a fitness trainer who specializes in overweight women, and we start bright and early!"

(No joke, at the time, that really was my occupation!)

Him: "I wasn't planning on staying anyway".


I stood up, dodged another pungent kiss, kiss, and high tailed it out of there. Needless to say, we never spoke again and I closed my online dating account.

Flash forward to '09 and I am happy to say that I have been dating a wonderful man for over two years. We meet the old fashioned way, at the movies, and we both get a kick out of referencing that guy! My boyfriend is actually the one who told me about this contest. So, for him, and as a celebration of finally getting it right, I would love to take him out to this show! Thank you for considering my terrible blind date!

Sincerely,

Jackie B.
-New York, NY