My family likes to set me up. They worry, you know how it is. They think actor means unemployed and cute means, well, unemployed. Anyway, this guy's friend's parents (what a title) met me at my father's birthday party and thought I was quite the catch. Their married daughter's friend was the match. He is 45, has a good job, never been married. Hmm, parent's dream.
We meet for dinner. It is one where you cook your meat and vegetables in a "swish swish" pot, oil etc...Delicious! He seems bitter about a few things but I let it go. In the middle of the meal, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and takes quite a long time. Upon return, he states that he is sorry his stomach is bothering him. I want to be easy and say that it is probably stress. He comes back with a definite NO.
There is nothing I want to know about someone's bathroom habits no matter how long I know them. He goes again, takes a long time. Upon return he gestures for the check, looks me in the eyes, and states, " I need to go home and use my own bathroom. Why don't you come with me and when I am finished we can hang out and get to know each
other more?"
So, this was my Fabulous Blind Date. Who does that? Who is that confident that they will invite me over to sit in their living room while they are stomach sick and think that I will kiss them goodnight? Who? Him.
I walked him to the corner, told him to feel better, and never heard from him again. Oh Joy!
Hilary G.
-Westchester, NY
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
40 minutes at the Waldorf.
James, a 34-year-old lawyer, sought me out on eHarmony. In his profile pictures, he looked tall (he claimed to be 6’2”) and hot and sounded perfectly normal when we spoke on the phone and made plans. Per his suggestion, I meet him for a drink at a tired bar in the Waldorf Astoria.
A short guy wearing thick glasses and a wrinkled brown suit with no tie approaches me.
(Oh Christ.)
James takes my hand, kisses me on the cheek.
javascript:void(0)
“Hello, Katherine.”
I’m stunned that this guy looks nothing like the guy I was expecting but my parents raised me to be polite.
“Hi, nice to meet you.”
“I found us a nice little table by the piano. Is this all right?”
“Sure, this is great.”
We sit. I peruse the cocktail menu.
“What would you like to drink? Liquor, beer, wine?”
“Hmmm. I could go for a glass of red. What are you having?”
“I’m going to let you feel like an alcoholic. I’m just going to order a 7-Up.”
“Oh. Do you not drink?”
“I do sometimes. But I had a headache earlier today. But don’t let that stop you.”
“Huh. Well, I guess I’ll just get a beer then.”
“Because that will make you feel less like an alcoholic?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think there is table service at this hour so I’ll go order. What will you have?”
“I’ll have a Brooklyn Lager, thanks.”
“A lager.”
James steps away to get drinks. I check my clothes. I immediately regret the amount of effort I put in my appearance. I look around for the nearest exit, then back to James, who has seen me in all of my discomfort.
(Fuck.)
James places my drink in front of me.
“Here you are.”
“Thank you.”
“Have you been staying out of trouble, Katherine?”
“Trying to, I suppose.”
“Uh-oh. Trying to? So you’ve gotten into a little bit of trouble, then?”
“A moderate amount, I guess.”
“Moderate.”
“And yourself? Gotten into any trouble?”
“I feel like I’m in one of your plays.”
“I’m sorry?”
“So when can I read one of your plays, Katherine?”
“Um, I’ll consider it.”
“When you write, do you hear voices in your head?
“I hear bits of dialogue, sure.”
“The characters talk to each other?”
“Absolutely.”
“When?”
“When I’m in the shower. Right before I go to bed. I have to keep a journal on my nightstand so I don’t forget anything.”
“Well, I guess as long as they don’t talk to you, right? They don’t talk to you, do they?”
“Uh. No … .that’d make me crazy, I think.”
“You’re not crazy, Katherine?”
“Not as far as I know, no.”
James eats from the nut jar on the table. Great big handfuls.
“You don’t want any nuts?”
“No thank you.”
“You’re nutty enough?”
“Uh, yeah. I guess.”
James looks at my hands.
“No nail polish for our date, Katherine?”
I consider my nails for a moment.
“I’m going through a short period. Usually I’m long and polished but not today.”
(I have twenty bucks to my name for the next three days and I just spent nine of them to get here, you fucking tool. Your suit is tired, your shoes are orthopedic and someone sure as shit knows how to use Photoshop and I'M the asshole because my NAILS aren't painted?)
“A short period.”
“No contact lenses for our date, James?”
“I often wear contacts but not today.”
“I see.”
“Do you ever wear glasses, Katherine?”
“Sometimes. On Fridays, usually.”
“Fridays.”
“Some people dress casual on Fridays. I wear glasses.”
“Do you look like a schoolteacher in your glasses?”
“I look like a graphic designer, actually.”
“Do you ever dress up, Katherine? Like evening dresses, that sort of thing?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“When was the last time?”
“I went to a friend’s wedding a couple months ago. I cleaned up a bit.”
“What did you wear?”
“A black dress with pink accents.”
“A black dress with pink accents.”
A waiter comes to the table.
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Just the check please.” James pulls out a credit card.
“I have to head off to a cocktail party. I would’ve invited you but I didn’t know if you would have proper attire.”
“Sure.” (Whatever, douchebag.)
I put on my coat.
“That’s a very checkered coat.”
“It’s houndstooth.”
In and out in under forty minutes. The ugly guy who had lied about his height, level of fitness and general aesthetics blew ME off. Unfuckingbelievable.
Katherine W.
-New York, NY
A short guy wearing thick glasses and a wrinkled brown suit with no tie approaches me.
(Oh Christ.)
James takes my hand, kisses me on the cheek.
javascript:void(0)
“Hello, Katherine.”
I’m stunned that this guy looks nothing like the guy I was expecting but my parents raised me to be polite.
“Hi, nice to meet you.”
“I found us a nice little table by the piano. Is this all right?”
“Sure, this is great.”
We sit. I peruse the cocktail menu.
“What would you like to drink? Liquor, beer, wine?”
“Hmmm. I could go for a glass of red. What are you having?”
“I’m going to let you feel like an alcoholic. I’m just going to order a 7-Up.”
“Oh. Do you not drink?”
“I do sometimes. But I had a headache earlier today. But don’t let that stop you.”
“Huh. Well, I guess I’ll just get a beer then.”
“Because that will make you feel less like an alcoholic?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think there is table service at this hour so I’ll go order. What will you have?”
“I’ll have a Brooklyn Lager, thanks.”
“A lager.”
James steps away to get drinks. I check my clothes. I immediately regret the amount of effort I put in my appearance. I look around for the nearest exit, then back to James, who has seen me in all of my discomfort.
(Fuck.)
James places my drink in front of me.
“Here you are.”
“Thank you.”
“Have you been staying out of trouble, Katherine?”
“Trying to, I suppose.”
“Uh-oh. Trying to? So you’ve gotten into a little bit of trouble, then?”
“A moderate amount, I guess.”
“Moderate.”
“And yourself? Gotten into any trouble?”
“I feel like I’m in one of your plays.”
“I’m sorry?”
“So when can I read one of your plays, Katherine?”
“Um, I’ll consider it.”
“When you write, do you hear voices in your head?
“I hear bits of dialogue, sure.”
“The characters talk to each other?”
“Absolutely.”
“When?”
“When I’m in the shower. Right before I go to bed. I have to keep a journal on my nightstand so I don’t forget anything.”
“Well, I guess as long as they don’t talk to you, right? They don’t talk to you, do they?”
“Uh. No … .that’d make me crazy, I think.”
“You’re not crazy, Katherine?”
“Not as far as I know, no.”
James eats from the nut jar on the table. Great big handfuls.
“You don’t want any nuts?”
“No thank you.”
“You’re nutty enough?”
“Uh, yeah. I guess.”
James looks at my hands.
“No nail polish for our date, Katherine?”
I consider my nails for a moment.
“I’m going through a short period. Usually I’m long and polished but not today.”
(I have twenty bucks to my name for the next three days and I just spent nine of them to get here, you fucking tool. Your suit is tired, your shoes are orthopedic and someone sure as shit knows how to use Photoshop and I'M the asshole because my NAILS aren't painted?)
“A short period.”
“No contact lenses for our date, James?”
“I often wear contacts but not today.”
“I see.”
“Do you ever wear glasses, Katherine?”
“Sometimes. On Fridays, usually.”
“Fridays.”
“Some people dress casual on Fridays. I wear glasses.”
“Do you look like a schoolteacher in your glasses?”
“I look like a graphic designer, actually.”
“Do you ever dress up, Katherine? Like evening dresses, that sort of thing?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“When was the last time?”
“I went to a friend’s wedding a couple months ago. I cleaned up a bit.”
“What did you wear?”
“A black dress with pink accents.”
“A black dress with pink accents.”
A waiter comes to the table.
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Just the check please.” James pulls out a credit card.
“I have to head off to a cocktail party. I would’ve invited you but I didn’t know if you would have proper attire.”
“Sure.” (Whatever, douchebag.)
I put on my coat.
“That’s a very checkered coat.”
“It’s houndstooth.”
In and out in under forty minutes. The ugly guy who had lied about his height, level of fitness and general aesthetics blew ME off. Unfuckingbelievable.
Katherine W.
-New York, NY
Cinco De Mayo
Hi,
I was using j-date, the popular Jewish dating website, to find a boyfriend. I went on numerous dates - over 70 different guys in about a year. There was a guy I went out with during Cinco De Mayo. This was my first time meeting him. He came by to pick me up at my apartment and we were going to a Mexican restaurant.
When he showed up, he was wearing a New York Sports Club hat, jacket, and bookbag. We walked all the way to the restaurant and although the distance was less than five blocks, it felt like five miles because of his embarassing get up. When we got to the restaurant, I casually mentioned that we were now indoors and he could get rid of his NYSC clothes. He said that he just started working for them in the sales department. He wanted to keep them on throughout the whole date just in case anyone in the restaurant wanted to sign up for a gym membership while they were out at a restaurant!
The waitress came by and asked for our orders. The guy turned to the waitress and yelled in her face "Happy Cinco De Mayo!" She turned to me and looked at me with a sympathetic look. We then placed our orders. I ordered a steak and a margarita. He ordered a salad and a strawberry drink. Another waiter brought by our food and of course, placed my "manly" meal in front of him and his "girly" meal in front of me.
The conversation was boring and we ate quickly. I had a rule that I didn't pay for my meal on first dates...or any dates for that matter. We sat for a long time and he wasn't making any moves to pay the check. I went to the ladies room, for a quick few minutes away from him and also to give him a chance to pick up the tab. I came back after a while and the check was still sitting there. He waited for me to come back to split the check! I quickly got out my wallet so I could end the date.
As we were walking out, he suggested we go dancing. He showed me his "dance moves" on the way out the door. He proceeded to hop around like he was standing on hot coals. I declined the dance offer and tried to hide the pain on my face.
We walked back to my block and I kept my hands in my pockets to ensure that he would not get any ideas about holding my hands. When I got to my block, I quickly took my hand out of my pocket, waved, put my hand back in my pocket and proceeded to walk away.
Just retelling this story makes me glad that I'm married and off the market! I actually have a few more of these crazy stories. ;)
Thanks,
Dina H.
-New York, NY
I was using j-date, the popular Jewish dating website, to find a boyfriend. I went on numerous dates - over 70 different guys in about a year. There was a guy I went out with during Cinco De Mayo. This was my first time meeting him. He came by to pick me up at my apartment and we were going to a Mexican restaurant.
When he showed up, he was wearing a New York Sports Club hat, jacket, and bookbag. We walked all the way to the restaurant and although the distance was less than five blocks, it felt like five miles because of his embarassing get up. When we got to the restaurant, I casually mentioned that we were now indoors and he could get rid of his NYSC clothes. He said that he just started working for them in the sales department. He wanted to keep them on throughout the whole date just in case anyone in the restaurant wanted to sign up for a gym membership while they were out at a restaurant!
The waitress came by and asked for our orders. The guy turned to the waitress and yelled in her face "Happy Cinco De Mayo!" She turned to me and looked at me with a sympathetic look. We then placed our orders. I ordered a steak and a margarita. He ordered a salad and a strawberry drink. Another waiter brought by our food and of course, placed my "manly" meal in front of him and his "girly" meal in front of me.
The conversation was boring and we ate quickly. I had a rule that I didn't pay for my meal on first dates...or any dates for that matter. We sat for a long time and he wasn't making any moves to pay the check. I went to the ladies room, for a quick few minutes away from him and also to give him a chance to pick up the tab. I came back after a while and the check was still sitting there. He waited for me to come back to split the check! I quickly got out my wallet so I could end the date.
As we were walking out, he suggested we go dancing. He showed me his "dance moves" on the way out the door. He proceeded to hop around like he was standing on hot coals. I declined the dance offer and tried to hide the pain on my face.
We walked back to my block and I kept my hands in my pockets to ensure that he would not get any ideas about holding my hands. When I got to my block, I quickly took my hand out of my pocket, waved, put my hand back in my pocket and proceeded to walk away.
Just retelling this story makes me glad that I'm married and off the market! I actually have a few more of these crazy stories. ;)
Thanks,
Dina H.
-New York, NY
On-line gone out-of-line
I was in the midst of the driest of dating dry spells, when my best friend said, "you know Jackie, I did meet me husband online..." I adore her husband Dave, and I stand firm that there is no one on this earth who could match her more perfectly. Thus, began my journey into the world of online dating.
I created my profile and within minutes I received several emails from a wide array of men. However, because I was still a bit skeptical of giving out too much information and money, I never fully joined, and was limited. I couldn't email them back through the site, so unless they craftily included an alternate email address in their note, it had to end there.
Well, one day I got a great note from a very handsome man, originally from Greece but living in the city, and he wanted to meet for a drink. He also gave me his yahoo address. Smart man, I thought and I wrote him back accepting his invitation. Through emails we had planned to meet at the ever fashionable Butter at 6:30pm one Thursday evening. I was very excited because he seemed so perfect!
Flash forward to that magical Thursday evening; I'd just spent an eternity getting ready. I'd gotten the perfect outfit, I'd blown out my hair, I'd done a flawless make up application, and I was feeling great! As I was about to head out the door I got a phone call and it was him.
(In a lovely Greek accent)
Him: "Hello, I regret to inform you that I will be running a half hour late tonight because I have yet to shower".
Me: "Oh, okay... I guess I could delay if that will help you."
Him: "Good, and before I go I must ask you, you listed your body type on your profile as average, what do you mean by that?"
Me: "Um, well, there weren't many options and I'm not a stick figure and I'm not heavy, I'm just normal. Why?"
Him: "Well, it's just that I went out with a girl who listed her body type as average but she was obese! See you in a half an hour."
He hung up the phone before I could even process what he had just said, and as I sat there for an half an hour, I started to realize that this was probably a bust. What kind of a weirdo would ask that? I considered backing out but dammit, I put a ton of effort in to looking nice and I wanted to go out.
When I got to the Restaurant I was greeted with a quick kiss, kiss and was overwhelmed with terribly strong and sickeningly sweet cologne. I do have to say, he was very good looking and that's probably the only reason I decided to stay. I needed to find out a little more before I totally wrote him off.
He asked me if I'd like a drink and escorted me to the bar but, as soon as the bartender was ready to hand us the bill I turned to him and he had disappeared! He had slunk back to the wall behind us to be out of the line of fire. The thing is, I never expected him to pay, in fact I always offer, it's just not my way to expect the man to pay for everything. I couldn't believe it; it was so perfectly clear that he didn't want to pay for me but then motioned for me to sit with him at a table near by. Deflated, I joined him.
There was very little talking, in fact it was almost painful to try. As I sat there I thought about our conversation before I left and decided what the hell,
Me: "So, what's your hang up with obese people?"
Him: "It is very simple, the obese woman is hard for the love making!"
(Did he really just say that out loud!?! Was he pre approving me for the love making!?!)
Me: "Well, would you even be friends with an obese woman?"
Him: "No, because when she stretches her arms, she hits you with her arm fat!"
(Um, Check Please!!! Oh, wait I already took care of that!)
Me: "You know, I've got to be up early, as I am a fitness trainer who specializes in overweight women, and we start bright and early!"
(No joke, at the time, that really was my occupation!)
Him: "I wasn't planning on staying anyway".
I stood up, dodged another pungent kiss, kiss, and high tailed it out of there. Needless to say, we never spoke again and I closed my online dating account.
Flash forward to '09 and I am happy to say that I have been dating a wonderful man for over two years. We meet the old fashioned way, at the movies, and we both get a kick out of referencing that guy! My boyfriend is actually the one who told me about this contest. So, for him, and as a celebration of finally getting it right, I would love to take him out to this show! Thank you for considering my terrible blind date!
Sincerely,
Jackie B.
-New York, NY
I created my profile and within minutes I received several emails from a wide array of men. However, because I was still a bit skeptical of giving out too much information and money, I never fully joined, and was limited. I couldn't email them back through the site, so unless they craftily included an alternate email address in their note, it had to end there.
Well, one day I got a great note from a very handsome man, originally from Greece but living in the city, and he wanted to meet for a drink. He also gave me his yahoo address. Smart man, I thought and I wrote him back accepting his invitation. Through emails we had planned to meet at the ever fashionable Butter at 6:30pm one Thursday evening. I was very excited because he seemed so perfect!
Flash forward to that magical Thursday evening; I'd just spent an eternity getting ready. I'd gotten the perfect outfit, I'd blown out my hair, I'd done a flawless make up application, and I was feeling great! As I was about to head out the door I got a phone call and it was him.
(In a lovely Greek accent)
Him: "Hello, I regret to inform you that I will be running a half hour late tonight because I have yet to shower".
Me: "Oh, okay... I guess I could delay if that will help you."
Him: "Good, and before I go I must ask you, you listed your body type on your profile as average, what do you mean by that?"
Me: "Um, well, there weren't many options and I'm not a stick figure and I'm not heavy, I'm just normal. Why?"
Him: "Well, it's just that I went out with a girl who listed her body type as average but she was obese! See you in a half an hour."
He hung up the phone before I could even process what he had just said, and as I sat there for an half an hour, I started to realize that this was probably a bust. What kind of a weirdo would ask that? I considered backing out but dammit, I put a ton of effort in to looking nice and I wanted to go out.
When I got to the Restaurant I was greeted with a quick kiss, kiss and was overwhelmed with terribly strong and sickeningly sweet cologne. I do have to say, he was very good looking and that's probably the only reason I decided to stay. I needed to find out a little more before I totally wrote him off.
He asked me if I'd like a drink and escorted me to the bar but, as soon as the bartender was ready to hand us the bill I turned to him and he had disappeared! He had slunk back to the wall behind us to be out of the line of fire. The thing is, I never expected him to pay, in fact I always offer, it's just not my way to expect the man to pay for everything. I couldn't believe it; it was so perfectly clear that he didn't want to pay for me but then motioned for me to sit with him at a table near by. Deflated, I joined him.
There was very little talking, in fact it was almost painful to try. As I sat there I thought about our conversation before I left and decided what the hell,
Me: "So, what's your hang up with obese people?"
Him: "It is very simple, the obese woman is hard for the love making!"
(Did he really just say that out loud!?! Was he pre approving me for the love making!?!)
Me: "Well, would you even be friends with an obese woman?"
Him: "No, because when she stretches her arms, she hits you with her arm fat!"
(Um, Check Please!!! Oh, wait I already took care of that!)
Me: "You know, I've got to be up early, as I am a fitness trainer who specializes in overweight women, and we start bright and early!"
(No joke, at the time, that really was my occupation!)
Him: "I wasn't planning on staying anyway".
I stood up, dodged another pungent kiss, kiss, and high tailed it out of there. Needless to say, we never spoke again and I closed my online dating account.
Flash forward to '09 and I am happy to say that I have been dating a wonderful man for over two years. We meet the old fashioned way, at the movies, and we both get a kick out of referencing that guy! My boyfriend is actually the one who told me about this contest. So, for him, and as a celebration of finally getting it right, I would love to take him out to this show! Thank you for considering my terrible blind date!
Sincerely,
Jackie B.
-New York, NY
"Pictures can be deceiving"
About 10 years ago when I first started dating (when I was in my early 20s), I used the Village Voice personals to find a suitable guy to date. I found who I thought would be a perfect match - He said he was in his early 30s, relationship-oriented and worked in education. He emailed me a great photo of himself and we had a few pleasant phone conversations. I was very excited about our date and wore my favorite shirt and jeans. We arranged to meet outside the Big Cup coffeehouse in Chelsea. I was there a few minutes late, waited a while but didn't see anyone like him. There was just this older bald man in his 50s standing outside Big Cup for a while. After about 20 minutes, I asked the man if he had seen anyone waiting outside but who might have left. He then called me by my first name and said he was the guy who I was supposed to meet. He freaked me out when he grabbed my upper arm as a friendly gesture. He said it was great to meet me and he was looking forward to our date, and asked if he could just excuse himself for a moment to use the bathroom inside. I said sure. My mind was racing - should I confront him about his totally inaccurate picture? Should I ask why he clearly tried to take advantage of me? I was expecting a cute guy in his 30s, but instead I was meeting an overweight bald guy who was clearly in his 50s!! I thought quickly and ran FAST to the 23rd Street subway to escape. I was paranoid he was going to see me and start following me to the subway. What was this guy thinking?? Luckily I never heard from him again (or I might have considered changing my phone number).
Steve
- Brooklyn, NY
Steve
- Brooklyn, NY
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Fine print ...
Once I had a blind date in New York City. We met at Times Cafe in the Upper West Side. My date was a tall guy, an academic - I remember him showing up in very thick glasses. We sat and ordered dinner at a restaurant I loved very much. The conversation was not very interesting nor very memorable. I knew very quickly he was not the man for me (even his name now escapes me). All through dinner, he kept squinting at everything: the menu, his food, me talking. It was squint, squint, squint. So, of course when the bill came he squinted and asked me to split it in two since he couldn't see. That was a sure fire way to tell a girl you're not interested!
Holly F.
Holly F.
Check Please!
Some guys don't just forget the flowers; they even forget the conversation. When I was dating, before I was involved in a happy relationship, I met a guy who had contacted me on line. Meeting in a coffeehouse in Chelsea, I had a bad feeling about him almost immediately because he just had to have a cigarette only a few minutes after we met. When he went outside to smoke, I told the waitress to bring the check so that I could leave soon after he came back to our table. She was very busy though, so she forgot to bring it before he came back inside. Ten minutes after sitting down again, he went outside again to smoke another cigarette. By this point, I was just ready to leave. I got the waitress' attention, and she finally brought the check. When he got back to the table, he saw the check and grinned. I told him that a friend just called me and I had to go see her before it got too late. He told me to "cut the s**t. We both knew why we were there and we might as well say it." I looked at him in probably what looked to anyone observing us as awestruck amazement when he asked,"So, what time do I get to f**k you tonight?" After getting over my shock, I began laughing uncontrollably. He became so angry that he stormed out of the coffeehouse without paying. I promptly paid his portion of the bill and told the waitress that I just wanted to sit and enjoy my coffee while I finished the chapter in Wuthering Heights, the book I was reading. I found moody Heathcliff to be a more agreeable date that night than my on line acquaintance.
JLJ
-Brooklyn, NY
JLJ
-Brooklyn, NY
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